The problem with the Bible is that some bits of it are distinctly uncomfortable; what we really need is a translation that is uplifting, but which doesn’t actually disturb our way of life. Thankfully, Archdruid Eileen has come up with the answer to this problem; the NUSV.
And so we have produced the Not So Unpleasant Version of the Bible. Like the original Bible, but with all the nasty bits sanitised. So if you’re fed up with bloodshed, slaughter and annihilation in your favourite inspired text, why not try the NSUV? For example:
In the NSUV, after a heated debate with his brother, Cain admits that his offering wasn’t as good as Abel’s. God tells them that, actually, he was just feeling a bit grumpy and off cereals, and they were both pretty good.
Noah trains as a lifeguard. In gratitude for him saving their lives in the Flood, the people of Mesopotamia mend their ways.
The people of Sodom and Gomorrah take Lot’s guests down the pub for a pint. Neither fire nor brimstone are required.
If you’d like to read more blog posts on English versions of the Bible (which may be more serious, but less profound than this one) try this link. Just in case you need reminding, this post is filed under humour.